My Transitional Journey from Mainstream Parenting to Authentic Parenting



When my oldest daughter was born I was filled with joy and for the first six months I did what felt right, but then I started getting advice from other people on why I shouldn’t let her sleep in my bed, fall asleep at the breast, or breast feed her after the age of one. I also got the advice of setting rules and boundaries as early as possible, which meant using time outs and allowing her to cry herself to sleep. Of course being a new mom, I listened to all of these things and did them because I did not know any better. When my second daughter was born, I did the same with her. From that, point on we experienced power struggle after power struggle that never left me feeling good. Putting my two year old in time out never felt good to me but I did not know how else to get her to stop the negative behavior of hitting her sister, throwing toys, and having a tantrum when she didn’t get her way. I experienced break down after break down because I was crashing on the inside emotionally due to how I was treating my children day in and day out. We put limits on food, computer use, TV. time, outside time, and bath time. We also made them take naps whether they wanted to or not. We punished them by putting them in time out and if that did not work, they got a spanking and sent to their room. Even though we were consistent and did not let them get away with any kind of negative behavior the behavior just got worse we just got more and more frustrated, which lasted close to four and a half years. We then had our third daughter, which has never been put into time out, spanked, or put in her room. Five months after my oldest started kindergarten, we ended up pulling her out of school and began to home school her and that is when things in our family began to shift for the better. I began to home school her using a curriculum, which lasted for about a month and caused many power struggles. I did some research and found de-schooling, which gives a child a break from traditional learning so that they can have time to learn to love learning again. During the de-schooling process we found unschooling which resonated with my husband and me so we decided that was how we are going to raise our children no more rules, limits, or punishments. We took away all limits on food, TV. computer time, and bath time. We quite making them take naps when they did not want to and took away bed times. We no longer used any kind of punishments or fear tactics. This was a huge step for us but we jumped in headfirst. We began to allow our children to make their own decisions and we were there to guide them through life and support them 100%. In addition, let me tell you it was not easy they ate everything in site for the first two months but then they began to say things like mom I only want healthy food and my tummy hearts when I eat too much. They also stayed up all night long for the first two or three months and I thought I was going to become a zombie but after those few months, they began to put themselves to bed. We also had a lot of fighting between the two older girls and a lot of out bursts because there was a lot of built up anger from the way we were doing things before so it has been challenging to sort all those old emotions out. Transitioning from the authoritative type of parenting to authentic parenting has not been easy for any of us but at the end of the day, you go to bed feeling better as a parent because you are listening to your child’s feelings and validating them, you are helping them to solve issues that are bothering them. The hardest challenge for us was allowing them to make a mess and joyfully cleaning it up by ourselves because they did not want to clean it up. Some people would say that we are allowing our children to do whatever whenever and they are never going to learn to clean up after themselves or that their actions have consequences and of course we ignored what they said nicely because we knew what we are doing feels good to us and that is what matters. Now today they joyfully not only clean up after themselves but clean up for us because I have modeled the joy of cleaning for them. Today there is no more fighting, power struggles, lying, or feeling bad. We treat our children as equals they have just as much right in our home as we do. They are treated like individuals who are respected and loved unconditionally. I treat my children the same way that I treat my husband and my husband treats our children the same way as he treats me. Transition is never easy especially when it affects the way you parent. Once you find that balance and learn to meet everyone’s needs, equally it becomes easier. We are very emotionally connected with our children now and we can tell how they are feeling just by looking into their eyes. We are very involved with our children in every way this is not a hands off parenting approach it is very hands on. Every time I think about where I was as a mom and where I am now as a mom I get chocked up because I am happier now then I have ever been and my children are happier now then they have ever been. Getting through the day now is easy, yes, I said it easy. Being a mom is easy. I used to think that being a mom was hard but now I no longer think that. I think one thing that really helped me in allowing my children to make their own choices was I asked myself are they hurting anyting? Is their life in danger in anyway? If the answer is, no I just allow them to be children and enjoy life. When we focus, on what makes us feel good and only do things that leave us feeling good then naturally, we will not be able to treat our children any other way then with unconditional love. Through your journey in this new way of parenting, you will find your self-having more patience then you ever thought you had. I can tell you from experience that you need to be patient with yourself and allow you are self to make mistakes because it is through your mistakes and down falls that you will become clearer about what you want not only for your children but also for yourself. Remember to focus more on the good things that happen throughout the day and less on the bad things because the bad things will cloud your mind and make you think that it is not working also remember the more you focus on the good things then the more good things you will see during this transition. Life with our children is a joyful experience if we allow it to be one. We have been on this parenting path for a year now and I will never look back. My kids are more loving, respectful, kind, outgoing, compassionate, empathetic, sympathetic, joyful, and truthful then they ever were before. For us all the challenges that we have face on this journey have been more then worth it, we have learned so much not only about each other but about our selves.




Brenda Ferns

The Old Days

We took the girls to my parents for a week and when we went and picked them up we took them to hands on pioneer museum and to fort rock. The museum was awesome they got touch everything, there was a house, school, post office, doctors office, wagon, church, and a couple more houses, and lots of old farm equipment and other items. The girls had so much fun touching everything. They pretended to make dinner, wash clothes, be a docotor, be a teacher, piano player and so much fun it was three hours full of non stop learning and they loved everyminute of it. So did my hubby and I we love doing stuff like that with our girls we love learning with them. We love to be a part of their passions and interests. After the museum we loaded up and went up to fort rock which is a great big rock where cowboys and indians fought if you look you can still find arrow heads and other evidence that indians and cowboys were on that rock. You can see te town from way up there it is so beautiful it looks like a patchwork quilt. We had so much fun that day and learned so much my girls still talk about it to this day. I am so grateful to be able to be a part of my girls passions and be deeply connected with them.

Best Friends

This last weekend my best friend and her family drove two hours to come and stay with us for the weekend. We had so much fun and the girls played great together. Of course they had a few issues but all in all it was a very fun and stress free weekend. We went out to dinner, watched movies, talked until all hours of the night, went to the fun center where we played golf, bowled, rode go carts, and games, we also went to the park while the men went fishing for the day. I love spending time with my best friend she is an amazing women and I love her so much. Our girls have know each other sine our oldest two were not even two yet and not they are six so that is a long time and they are the best of friends and always will be. My girls love her girls so much. I am so grateful to have such great friends in my families life that love us for us.

Japanese Umbrellas

My girls had come to me with an interest about indians. They wanted to learn all about them so were researching them online and watching videos and reading books about them. Well a couple days later we went to my College campus to pick up my books for the coming up term and my oldest daughter pulls on my arm and says "mom look indians, what is it?" she was looking at a poster for an up coming pow wow so I told her what it was and we decided that we would go. We went to the pow wow and the girls had a blast and while they were there they seen someone have a really pretty Japanese umbrella and so we searched for about a half an hour until we found one and they were so delighted. The look on their faces was worth the cost. After that we went the museum that was all about indians and they absolutely had a blast. Not only did we learn a ton about indians that day a sparked a new interest in Japanese culture. Man I love this life it rocks.

My Baby is no longer a baby.

Wow! I can't believe my baby is going to be two on the 12 of september. That is in one month. Where does the time go? She is so much fun to be with she is always making me laugh with her silly faces. She is very smart it does not take her long to figure anything out. She is so independent but when she loves to snuggle I eat that right up because I love holding her and loving on her. She is so sweet and is filled with hugs and kisses. She has learned a lot during our unschooling journey I am amazed at how much she learns and remembers I love watching her look at birds and get excited or insects and want to hold them. She is deffinitely a nature girl. She loves being outside and observing the world around her. She is already very compassionete and empathetic about others when she sees someone get hurt no matter where we are she has to go over and give them a hug. I am joyful that she is growing and learning but sad at the same time because my baby is no longer a baby.

Ant Houses

My oldest daughter who is six loves to build ant houses. It is one of her biggest passions right now. She puts food in them so they do not get hungry and she will put water in a pop bottle cap so the do not get thirsty. She puts a lot of time into her ant houses and she loves the little ants that live in them. She is so proud of her creations. I love being there every moment of the day to watch them grow and learn. I love being involved in there passions by helping them get materials and research their current passion. My girls get so excited when they learn something new they love to research on the internet and get books and movies at the library about their currents passions. They soak it all in because they love learning so much. Learning is not forced in my home and it never will be my girls will be supported in whatever they choose to do in thier lives.

For the Love of Mud

My girls absolutely love to jump in the mud. Our back yard is mostly dirt with some weeds. So it is mud heaven when it is wet. They dig holes well now they have the dogs dig the holes and then fill them with water and jump in them. They also fill there sandbox full of mud and weeds then pretend they are going to the spa. I love how big their imaginations are and that I can give them the opportunity to learn without restricions and limits. Our life is so full of love and peace. Watching my girls play in the mud is something that I find joy in and I am always snapping pictures so I treasure that time in their life when they are at their happiest. Life is what we make of it and my girls are have the best time of their lives.

Playing Dressup

My girls absolutely love to dress up and put on jewelery and play make up and I have always given them that opportunity and supported their magnificent imaginations. They have tons of dress up clothes and accessories from halloween costumes to animals to pioneer dresses and hats. I have always believed that dressing up and pretending to be someone else teaches children about the different roles people play and what things we do while in those roles. Such as dressing up as a casheir they count money and put groceries in bags or when they dress up as a ballerina they twril around and do flips, or when they dress up as a mommy they take care of their baby and do all the things a mommy does. This is very important in their life role playing and using their imagination teaches them so much about not only who they are as individuals and what their values and beliefs are but it teaches them that others do not have the same values and beliefs that we do and we should respect their values and beliefs because we would want ours to be valued by others. I love seeing my girls play different roles while they are playing dress up they love being different people and it is changing all the time one minute they are Cinderella and the next they are playing cops and bad guys or indians and cowboys. This Unscholling life has taught me so much about how this so called play is actually learning at it's best. I ahve began to see how much they are actually learning from dressing up as different people. I will always encourage their love for playing dress up and I will give them new opportunities to use their imagination by providing new dress up clothes and accesories.

Digging for Fossils with Grandma and Grandpa

The girls spent a week with my parents out in the desert. They learned so much about living off the land, digging for fossils, animals that live in the desert. I am glad that they got the opportunity to have this experience with their Grandma and Grandpa. They are so good with my girls and they helped them to learn so much about something so new to them. My girls brought home lots of fossils to look at under their new microscope that hooks up to the TV they look so cool and they get so excited. I am always wanting my girls to experience and learn new things about the world around them and this trip did just that they had so much to tell all the way home and for days after. What a wonderful learning experience that they got to take part in. Here are some picture of my girls digging for fossils and taking rides in the dune buggy trailer.

Digging for Gold

My girls favorite thing to do at the moment is dig in the dirt and look for fossils, gold, and of course make their famouse mud pies. Their new thing is having the dogs dig thier hols for them because digging in the dirt is so hard when you are so little. They get so excited when they find rocks and other things buried beneath the dirt. I use to get so upset when they would track dirt into the house because I would spend all day cleaning. But one thing this unschooling life has taught me is that their love for nature is a blessing and I should allow them to pursue that passion without fear. I have learned that the house work can wait until they are in bed but learning can't wait for me to clean and learning can't stop just because I have cleaned. Children are messy learners they love to get dirty and explore and I am grateful to have found such an amazing way of living where I can be learning right along with them getting dirty and digging in the dirt right along with them. Trusting my children with their learning is my passion I know that they will learn no matter what they are doing. I want my kids to have that passion and love for learning that humans are meant to have and so far I have seen first hand how children learn without having text books and teachers treating them like walking sponges. Digging in the dirt is a learning experience and each time they dig it is a different experiecne all together. Man what a wonderful life.

Finger Painting Adventures

My girls like all kids love to finger paint. They love the feeling of the paint on their hands and the colors they make as they mix the paint. I cherish these paintings I keep all of them because I feel so guilty throwing away their art work. Their art work signifies who they are as individuals. Destinee is my down to earth girly girl so her art work is always neat and has a theme. Cearra is my spontanious girl that has a huge imagination so her art work is crazy and messy with no real theme but it is still beautiful. Kaley is my cheese ball who has a very comical personality and her art work is the masterpiece of a 20 month olds hands. I love their finger paintings and I love being able to give them the opportunity to create such beautiful finger paintings that tell so much about them as very unique individuals.

Living Life in the Fast Lane

As an unschooling family we are always living our life in the fast lane. We are always finding fun adventures for us to do as a family. Our life revolves around our kids we are always doing something new and exciting. We love our adventerous life and cherish every second of it. Our life just keeps getting better and better everyday the more time we spend with our kids the more we get to know them as individual people that are unique in there own special way. We have learned so much about our kids and our selfs this past five months we are more intuned to our needs as well as our childrens individual needs. I love our new profound life and I know it is only going to get better.

A Love For Cooking

My kids have a huge passion for cooking they want to be right there every step of the way. Destinee enjoys reading the recipe and getting everything we need together, Cearra enjoys cracking the eggs and stirring all the ingredients together, and Kaley loves to help clean up by licking the bowls and beaters. I as a mom love allowing them to follow their passions and giving them the opportunities to try new things in life. Cooking is one of those everyday skills that the kids learn just by watching mom and dad cook and being involved by helping out whether it may be setting the table, helping us prepare meals, or helping clean up afterwards. Destinee has learned about measuring cup and spoons and what all the numbers mean on them. Allowing them to help Sam and I in the kitchen allows them to master those skills needed for when they get out into the real world. I am very blessed to be able to facilitate a love for cooking and baking in my children.

Learning Their Way

Since we began this new journey of unschooling I have realized how much they learn on their terms in their way. I am utterly amazed everyday by the amount of knowledge they gain just through doing what they love doing at that moment. Destinee my oldest began to become interested in writing and letters and she has been copying books from front to back. Well the other day I heard them playing very nicely together and Destinee came to me and was very pleased with her self. She was telling me that she had wrote some letters very nicely so of course I wanted to see her masterpeice so she brought me her baby sister. She had written some letters across her baby sister Kaley's forhead. I said WOW very nice work Destine and named the letters that were printed so neatly on Kaley's head and asked Destinee if she knew the sounds to those letters and she began to say them and I was pleased. This made me chuckel inside and it is a memory that I will never forget and of course I had to snap some shots of this wonderful experience. I am always amazed at the things that my girls come up with from day to day. I am one proud mommy.

Documenting our amazing life.

Well hello this is my first blog. I am very excited to document our amazing unschool life. We began sending our oldest daughter who is five to kindergarten and she liked it at first but she then began to hate learning which made me very sad for her. Learning is supposed to be enjoyable learning is part of our everyday life. So I like any mom began to really worry about her she cried everyday before school and when she came she didn't like anything that had to do with learning. I myself love to learn new things so this really devastated me because I want my kids to love learning too. So I decided in February of 2009 to pull her out of school and home school her. Well I began to become very overwhelmed with our schedule it was like she was still in school and it was very hard to get her to want to do any worksheets. So I took a different approach I asked her what topic she is interested in and we would dive right in and I would print out worksheets and workbooks that went with that theme and I still struggled to get her to want to do it. I finally gave up and was very discouraged and wondered if I had done the right thing pulling her out of school. I was surfing the Internet one day and came across unschooling and it felt so right for our family. So now we unschool we do not do worksheets, or use workbooks. We do a lot of hands on activities that they ask to do and they really enjoy learning and I am extremely amazed at how much they have learned. And I am so in love with our life now I have a found a new way of living and have realized that my kids are independent they should be treated as individuals and every part of them should be respected as an individual. I have now put trust in my kids that they will learn and be successful at it I just step back and give them the tools and support that they need as individuals.