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Monday, November 2, 2009

My Transitional Journey from Mainstream Parenting to Authentic Parenting



When my oldest daughter was born I was filled with joy and for the first six months I did what felt right, but then I started getting advice from other people on why I shouldn’t let her sleep in my bed, fall asleep at the breast, or breast feed her after the age of one. I also got the advice of setting rules and boundaries as early as possible, which meant using time outs and allowing her to cry herself to sleep. Of course being a new mom, I listened to all of these things and did them because I did not know any better. When my second daughter was born, I did the same with her. From that, point on we experienced power struggle after power struggle that never left me feeling good. Putting my two year old in time out never felt good to me but I did not know how else to get her to stop the negative behavior of hitting her sister, throwing toys, and having a tantrum when she didn’t get her way. I experienced break down after break down because I was crashing on the inside emotionally due to how I was treating my children day in and day out. We put limits on food, computer use, TV. time, outside time, and bath time. We also made them take naps whether they wanted to or not. We punished them by putting them in time out and if that did not work, they got a spanking and sent to their room. Even though we were consistent and did not let them get away with any kind of negative behavior the behavior just got worse we just got more and more frustrated, which lasted close to four and a half years. We then had our third daughter, which has never been put into time out, spanked, or put in her room. Five months after my oldest started kindergarten, we ended up pulling her out of school and began to home school her and that is when things in our family began to shift for the better. I began to home school her using a curriculum, which lasted for about a month and caused many power struggles. I did some research and found de-schooling, which gives a child a break from traditional learning so that they can have time to learn to love learning again. During the de-schooling process we found unschooling which resonated with my husband and me so we decided that was how we are going to raise our children no more rules, limits, or punishments. We took away all limits on food, TV. computer time, and bath time. We quite making them take naps when they did not want to and took away bed times. We no longer used any kind of punishments or fear tactics. This was a huge step for us but we jumped in headfirst. We began to allow our children to make their own decisions and we were there to guide them through life and support them 100%. In addition, let me tell you it was not easy they ate everything in site for the first two months but then they began to say things like mom I only want healthy food and my tummy hearts when I eat too much. They also stayed up all night long for the first two or three months and I thought I was going to become a zombie but after those few months, they began to put themselves to bed. We also had a lot of fighting between the two older girls and a lot of out bursts because there was a lot of built up anger from the way we were doing things before so it has been challenging to sort all those old emotions out. Transitioning from the authoritative type of parenting to authentic parenting has not been easy for any of us but at the end of the day, you go to bed feeling better as a parent because you are listening to your child’s feelings and validating them, you are helping them to solve issues that are bothering them. The hardest challenge for us was allowing them to make a mess and joyfully cleaning it up by ourselves because they did not want to clean it up. Some people would say that we are allowing our children to do whatever whenever and they are never going to learn to clean up after themselves or that their actions have consequences and of course we ignored what they said nicely because we knew what we are doing feels good to us and that is what matters. Now today they joyfully not only clean up after themselves but clean up for us because I have modeled the joy of cleaning for them. Today there is no more fighting, power struggles, lying, or feeling bad. We treat our children as equals they have just as much right in our home as we do. They are treated like individuals who are respected and loved unconditionally. I treat my children the same way that I treat my husband and my husband treats our children the same way as he treats me. Transition is never easy especially when it affects the way you parent. Once you find that balance and learn to meet everyone’s needs, equally it becomes easier. We are very emotionally connected with our children now and we can tell how they are feeling just by looking into their eyes. We are very involved with our children in every way this is not a hands off parenting approach it is very hands on. Every time I think about where I was as a mom and where I am now as a mom I get chocked up because I am happier now then I have ever been and my children are happier now then they have ever been. Getting through the day now is easy, yes, I said it easy. Being a mom is easy. I used to think that being a mom was hard but now I no longer think that. I think one thing that really helped me in allowing my children to make their own choices was I asked myself are they hurting anyting? Is their life in danger in anyway? If the answer is, no I just allow them to be children and enjoy life. When we focus, on what makes us feel good and only do things that leave us feeling good then naturally, we will not be able to treat our children any other way then with unconditional love. Through your journey in this new way of parenting, you will find your self-having more patience then you ever thought you had. I can tell you from experience that you need to be patient with yourself and allow you are self to make mistakes because it is through your mistakes and down falls that you will become clearer about what you want not only for your children but also for yourself. Remember to focus more on the good things that happen throughout the day and less on the bad things because the bad things will cloud your mind and make you think that it is not working also remember the more you focus on the good things then the more good things you will see during this transition. Life with our children is a joyful experience if we allow it to be one. We have been on this parenting path for a year now and I will never look back. My kids are more loving, respectful, kind, outgoing, compassionate, empathetic, sympathetic, joyful, and truthful then they ever were before. For us all the challenges that we have face on this journey have been more then worth it, we have learned so much not only about each other but about our selves.




Brenda Ferns