When people hear about how we do things in our home they often come up and say if my kid didn't have a bed time they would never sleep, or if I let my kid eat what they wanted when they wanted they would only eat junk. I am going to talk about these and share experiences that I have had with my children while usnchooling that prove that these statements are not only wrong but assuming that children do well when they want to. I don't find this to be true I believe children to well when they can. Of course children need and want our guidance they want information about the world around them. But they don't want to be told what to do and how to do it. They want to have the freedom to make their own decision based on the information they have, that is where the statement children do well when they can comes into play. So I am going go through several of these myths over the next few days and share experiences that I have had with my own children that proves them to not only be false but very hurtful to children. Essentially when parents say my child would eat junk food all day every day given the choice you are saying you don't trust them, and you are expecting them to fail according to your expectations. When we place expectations on our children we are setting them up for failure. Because they can't live up to our expectations because what is right for them may not be what is right us. They are a totally different person with different desires, feelings, thoughts, and opinions. They need to be aloud to be true to who they are and be trusted to listen to their own inner guidance system, their intuition, their gut, their soul, their heart whatever you want to call it. Children are taught not to listen to their own guidance system by parents making all the decisions for them, punishing them, coercing them, and shaming them. The when they are adults they are expected to listen to their inner guidance system. How can they, they never learned how. My children know how to listen to their own guidance system and they know how to speak up for what is right for them. They will never have to learn as adults how to do this. They trust themselves and have confidence in their choices.
If I didn't make my child do chores they would never help around the house.
It is interesting to me that so many parents believe this to be true. Children naturally and authentically love to help. They want to help. It makes them feel good. It makes them feel like a part of something and it helps them learn new things and more about who they are and value. I so often when we are out and about children wanting to help and being told no because the parent is in a hurry or they want to control whatever it is the child is wanting to help with.
We were at the super market one day and a little girl about four wanted to help put groceries on the belt . The mom would not let her because she wanted it to be in a certain order. The child begged to help and then began to throw a "tantrum" I felt sad for the little girl because all she wanted to do was help put groceries on the belt. The order of the groceries was not that important. Not only did she say no put she popped the girl on the bottom of throwing a "tantrum" then put her treat back because she was being bad. My heart ached for her. My kids were upset and my 8 year old spoke. She does not stand for any kind of injustice. She asked the mom why she couldn't help and the mom said because I wanted it in a certain order so when I get home it is easier to put away. My daughter did not understand this and then asked why. And the mom said I don't like to spend a lot of time putting the groceries away I have other things to do too. Then my daughter says you shouldn't hit it isn't nice. I let her speak up like that because it is important to her to stand up against abuse. And hitting is abuse. It is hurtful and causes life long emotional trauma that takes years to let go of. The mom chose control over her daughters need to help and feel independent and big. The mom chose to leave a scar that will take years to heal and 10 minutes of time putting things away over love and connection with her child. So when her items moved up a little and we could put some on my 8 year old handed her some of our things to put on and that made her smile. The mom was annoyed I could see it but she let her help. My daughter seen the pain in that little girls heart and wanted to help her feel better and meet her need to help out.
Why did she do this? Because it is how she has been raised sense she was 2. We have allowed our children to help out whenever they ask as much as possible unless it is something that is dangerous or we feel isn't really safe for them to do which is rare. It does take more time to let children help especially when they are younger but it is so very important for us as parents to step back and allow them to because they are learning how to take care of themselves. They are learning the skills they will need when they are adults. It is interesting to me that parents will not allow their younger kids to help because they want it done a certain or don't want to take the time to let them and then force chores when they are older. I have learned with my four children that when we allow them to help when they are young and make enjoyable they will continue to help when they are older and there is no need for chores that are enforced and then followed by rewards or punishments. Children want to help they don't need a reward for helping they just want to do because it feels good, they want to learn something and they want to be with us.
I have never made my kids do chores but yet they help all the time. My home is very clean and tidy not because I clean all the time but because we all work together to keep it clean. We all do our part. I ask them to do things for me and they have the right to say no just like my husband and I do. If I ask my hubby to take out the garbage and he doesn't feel like it I am not going to turn his movie off and send him to his room for disobeying me. I am going to just leave it there for later or do it myself. We treat everyone in our home equally. We have no more power then our children. We are all in control of ourselves and no one else. We don't rule over our children. They don't see us as authorities or someone to fear they see us as their friend and someone deserving of respect.
My 9 year old loves to help out around the house and she created her own chore chart where she marks off the day. She did this so she could remember which thing she was going to do on which day. Monday is laundry she washes, drys, and folds laundry. I don't expect her to do all they laundry, actually I don't expect her to do any of it. She does it until her heart is content. Tuesday is dishes which is her favorite, Wednesday is pick up and declutter, Thursday is make the beds, which she leaves love notes on each pillow, and Friday is sweep and mop. She does not have anything for Saturday or Sunday because daddy is home and none of us really clean on those days because that time is spent with sense he is gone working all week. This was her idea, she WANTED to do this.
Destinees Chart she made
Destinee joyfully doing the dishes. She was singing and dancing while doing them
I don't make a big deal out of them helping and I don't make a big deal out of them not helping. I do say thank you and tell them I appreciate their help. And so they are not helping to make me happy or get my approval and love they are helping because it makes them feel good. And feeling good is important to them.
Kaley helping me make pork chops for dinner.
Cearra vacuuming the couch cushion.
Helping daddy make cinnamon rolls.
Kaley Shucking Corn
Destinee Shucking Corn
Garrett Shucking Corn
Kaley and Garrett cleaning up the back yard.
My children love to help simply because it feels good. They have watched us help others. They have seen us put others above ourselves and help them and in return the universe helped us. They have seen us help those that are homeless by giving them a meal, helped a friend in need, help a lost pet find their owner. Modeling these things for our children teaches them the value of helping others and that our main purpose on this planet is to help others. To give a hand up, to lift others up when they are in need. By taking a step back and allowing our children to help us whenever they ask teaches them that helping feels good and that connection through helping feels good. It teaches them to also take care of themselves and to focus on doing what feels good and right to them. When we don't allow them to help with everyday tasks we are taking that ability away from them. So I would like to say that the statement my kids won't help out around the house if I don't make them do chores is not true. That children naturally and authentically want to help. Humans are tribal, it is in our DNA to help others it is who we are. So why are we not letting our children do what feels so natural to them? Why are we taking away something that is part of who they are? Take the time to let your children help you with day to day tasks, you will be allowing them to be true to who they are. Letting your children be who they are is the best gift you can ever give them.
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