I have always had an attachment to my hair. It was a huge part of my life because my dad made a big deal about my hair. Cutting it was unmentionable in my home. I was never allowed to experiment with my hair and that was hard for me. I felt controlled and like I didn't have a say over my own body. I felt like my hair is what made me likable. That what others thought about my hair was important. When I was 8 I let my friend cut my hair and I was punished and told that I don't look pretty anymore that hurt me deeply. I like it and I still felt pretty but why did my dad think less of me because I cut my hair. He has a vision in his mind of what his little girl looked like and he try to control me to match that image. It stopped me from being who I am. It stopped me from being authentic and real. I had to bury who I was to please him. When I was 12 I shaved all of my hair but a portion on the top that hung down to my butt. This made him very angry and I was shamed and punished for my choice that I made about MY body. I have always cared about what others thought of me. I have always hid who I am to make others comfortable and like me. I did not realize until years later how damaging this was for me. How unhealthy hiding who I really am was. All I ever wanted was to be accepted for who I was not what I looked like or the decisions I made. But growing with a dad that tried to control how I thought, felt, looked, and valued made being me impossible. I rebelled on a constant basis and avoided being home. Home was not a happy place for me growing up it was torture. This taught me not to listen to my inner voice. It taught me that I didn't know what was best for me. It taught me to not trust myself. To always second guess myself.
As I got older my attachment to my hair and what others thought grew stronger and I began to have social phobias. In Highschool speaking in front of class was torture and I even threw up in front of the class. Caring what others thought tortured me I was afraid to be myself. I was afraid if I was myself people wouldn't like me and they would say bad things about me. I was quiet most of the time when around others and didn't talk much until I warmed up and felt safe. I started to get anxiety and suffer from depression.
As I began to realize that I couldn't live this way anymore I started out on journey of inner peace and emptying out my closet. This journey led me down many painful but liberating roads. The struggle was worth it. I then came to a point where I had come face to face with the skeleton of the importance of beautiful and socially acceptable hair. I realized that I needed to do something big overcome this attachment. I had cut my hair several times in the past so just cutting wasn't going to work. I needed to do something bigger. Then it came to me I needed to shave my head. I needed to start over. I needed to grow a new relationship with my hair. I needed to let go of the baggage that came with my hair that was attached to my. I needed to realize that it is just hair and it does not define who I am. And who I am is more important then having hair. I wanted to start over and let go of the attachment to my hair once and for all. So shaving it was the best choice for me.
As I stood in front of the mirror with the clippers in my hand ready to go my heart started to race. I was surrounded by my children as they cheered me on. "Go mom Go". My hand shook as I cut off my long hair. When I was finished and I stood in the mirror looking at myself. I fell in love. I felt free. I felt Empowered. I felt Liberated. I felt Beautiful. It changed my life.
As my hair began to grow back I realized that the mere act of shaving my head was not the teacher it the stage of it growing back. The feelings I felt as my hair grew back in triggered things deep within that I didn't even know existed. I had to dig deep and do some soul searching and let some pretty painful things go. At the end of letting go of each one I felt freer and freer. Now I am in a really good spot and I am so glad I shaved my head because it brought me closer to who I am and allowed me to let go of baggage that was holding me back from being ME! I now trust myself after 29 years. I now have confidence in the decisions that I make and can hear my inner voice.
Allowing myself to grow and face the skeletons in my closet has made me a better mom, wife, and friend. It has made me kinder, compassionate, empathetic, gentler, and more loving. It has made me raw, vulnerable and wear my heart on my sleeve. It has made me put myself first, which has allowed me to love others more. It has allowed me to love myself deeper then I have done before. Not just love myself but IN LOVE with myself.
I will never be that mom that controls what her children do to their bodies. It is THEIR body. I will never shame them for making a choice that I may have not agreed with. That is not my job as their mom and partner. My job is to walk side by side with them supporting them and guiding them and encouraging them to be true to who THEY are. To listen to their own inner voice. To do what feels RIGHT to THEM. I want my children to be strong and confident in who they are. I want them to be in full control of their bodies at all times. My children will never have to grow up and undo the damage that being controlled causes. They will never have to learn to trust themselves or gain confidence in who they are as an adult because they will already trust themselves and have confidence in who they are.
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