Food Choices

Many feel that if they were to allow their child to eat whatever they wanted when they wanted they would only eat junk. I don't agree with this. I know if I ate that way I would feel sick after a while and want to eat something healthier. So why are children any different? Why do parents feel that their child would only eat junk food. First thing is that when we make the statement my could would only eat junk food if I gave them the choice implies that we don't trust the child, second it implies that children do well when they want to, which now we just assumed that this child doesn't want to, third we are expecting this child to meet our demands, which are adult demands, essentially setting them up for failure. Our children can't meet our demands because they are not us. We can't demand or expect someone to do as we would because what feels right to us may not feel right to them. So assuming that a child will only eat junk food is expecting them to fail. Think about how that makes that child feel. Mom and dad expect me to fail. They are buying the food because I can't do it and now they don't trust me to eat what they think I should. That child is now feeling pretty bad about themselves and pretty unloved.

Before we started unschooling five years ago we controlled our children's food choices, when they ate, and how much they ate. It was fight constantly. Our schedule was Breakfast, Snack, Lunch, Snack and then Dinner. I constantly had hungry and whiny kids. I did not know then that kids were grazers that they needed to eat several times a day. When we hoped upon unschooling food choices was one of the first things to go out the window. I had a lot of learning to do and I still bought lots of cracker snacks, pop corn, fruit snacks, chips, produce, nuts, and seeds. As we lifted the restrictions my kids binged and they did not binge on the produce it was the boxed snacks. Why? Because that is what we restricted. We let them eat all the produce they wanted but not the junk snacks we limited those. Well after about two days of mostly fruit snacks, oreos, chips, juice, etc... my oldest came to me at age 5 and says mom my body does not feel so well. I think I need to eat more fruit and vegetables. I then learned about platters from an Unschooling group I joined and started doing meat and cheese platters, fruit and veggies platters and all kinds of different platters. I got really creative with it and they loved it. I made them in the morning and sat them out and they munched all day. I began to notice something remarkable. My kids that were always hungry and whiny were no longer always hungry and whiny and they were so much happier. I also realized that I am the grocery shopper I bring the food into the house. I am also their guide and partner and I need to share with them the importance of listening to our bodies and eating food that our body loves and keeps it healthy. I stopped a lot of the processed items and started getting more produce, meats, cheeses, nuts and seeds. That doesn't mean that they never eat Oreos or chips it means that they eat them less. When they ask for them we buy them every time and they can eat however many they want. We never say no to a request when it comes to food if it is in our budget.

Our children often have dessert with their dinner or candy before dinner and it doesn't spoil their appetite. I have seen first hand a parent tell a child they can't have a cookie before dinner and then when the child is away the parent eat a cookie before dinner. This is not equality. How is that right to say the child can't have one before dinner then the parent eats one. What if the child saw that how would that make the child feel? What message does that send to the child. It sends the message that adults have more power, and that the parent knows whats best for the child. This takes away the childs autonomy. It takes away their ability to listen to their own inner voice and do what feels right for them.  It shows them that they can't trust themselves and that they need to depend on others to make decisions for them. It shows them that they are not capable of making good decisions and they loose their self esteem and self confidence. These are not the messages we want to be sending to our children.

If I were to tell my husband he couldn't a cookie before dinner he would eat one anyway and look at me like I am crazy. So why do we treat children less then us? Why do we treat them with such disrespect and unkindness compared to how we treat our spouse or friend. Our children are no less deserving of respect and kindness then our friends and spouses. We treat our children like we would each other and our friends. If we wouldn't do it or say it to our spouse or friend then we don't say or do it to our children. We don't see them as less then anyone else. We see them as equals.


So the point is is that our children want to do well for themselves. They want to do what feels right for their bodies. It is our responsibility as their parents to give them information, not in a manipulative or scare tactic type of way, but in an honest authentic way where they have the ultimate decision without feeling guilty. Food is an important part of our lives and what we eat shapes how we feel, and think. So we need to share with our children why it is important to give our body foods that make our bodies feel good. And the only way for them to know how to do that is to let them make those choices and learn to read their bodies. They will know if they ate to much candy because their belly will get sick and this is how they will learn to listen as they get older for the sign from their body that it has had enough. It may take a few or a lot of tummy aches for them to get there but they will. A lot of people can't read their bodies. They eat and eat and eat they can't hear their bodies ques because they were never allowed to hear it. They will make mistakes and eat something that made them sick and that is okay that is how they are going to learn to listen to their bodies and do what feels right to them.

My 8 year old has a gluten intolerance, as well as myself. For the longest time she kept getting tummy aches and complaining after eating gluten. I shared with her that maybe we should try going gluten free. She didn't want to because she didn't want to miss out on all the yummy snacks she loves so much. At first my concern and fear go the best of me and I tried to scare her into going gluten free but she pushed against me and I soon realized I had no right to force her to stop eating gluten that it had to be her choice so I apologized and explained why I should let her make the decision and what messages forcing her may send to her, which she thanked me for and backed off and let her make the decision and she continued to eat gluten and suffer. Of course people thought bad things of me but I listened to my own inner voice and trusted my daughter. I trusted that she has her own journey to follow and it is not right for me to judge that or her. That she needed to go through that suffering to get to where she is now. That is was essential for her to get to know herself and learn to trust herself and build confidence in her decisions. Eventually the suffering got so bad she decided on her own she was ready. So we searched for gluten free alternatives to her favorite snacks and I baked more gluten free items that she liked. She began to notice a difference and realized that she did need to be gluten free. I never once tried to coerce, manipulate, or force her to change her diet. It was all her idea. Now we are mostly paleo with a few baked or boxed gluten free items here and there and she is so happy with how she feels now. She isn't clumsy anymore, she talks clearer, she can actually sit still and listen to what someone is saying, she is sleeping through the night, and she stopped wetting the bed. Allowing her to make this decision on her showed her that she can trust herself and have confidence in the choices that she makes. It also helped her inner voice become a little bit clearer. I would taken all that away had I forced her to go gluten free.

If you are struggling with letting go of food choices. Make snack platters that was a life saver for us and I spent less time in the kitchen and less money. They can take what they want and leave what they don't and they get to listen to their bodies and eat as much as they want and what feels good to them. It is also a great way to incorporate new things as well.

I truly believe that children will do well when they can. I believe that if once they are given the information that they need they will do what is right for them. So it is our job as their partner to be honest with them in a non fear based or manipulative way. In order for our children to keep their autonomy they have to be able to make their own choices so they can learn how to read the ques their bodies are giving them. The best gift we can give our children is allowing them to keep their autonomy and authenticity.