Food Choices

Many feel that if they were to allow their child to eat whatever they wanted when they wanted they would only eat junk. I don't agree with this. I know if I ate that way I would feel sick after a while and want to eat something healthier. So why are children any different? Why do parents feel that their child would only eat junk food. First thing is that when we make the statement my could would only eat junk food if I gave them the choice implies that we don't trust the child, second it implies that children do well when they want to, which now we just assumed that this child doesn't want to, third we are expecting this child to meet our demands, which are adult demands, essentially setting them up for failure. Our children can't meet our demands because they are not us. We can't demand or expect someone to do as we would because what feels right to us may not feel right to them. So assuming that a child will only eat junk food is expecting them to fail. Think about how that makes that child feel. Mom and dad expect me to fail. They are buying the food because I can't do it and now they don't trust me to eat what they think I should. That child is now feeling pretty bad about themselves and pretty unloved.

Before we started unschooling five years ago we controlled our children's food choices, when they ate, and how much they ate. It was fight constantly. Our schedule was Breakfast, Snack, Lunch, Snack and then Dinner. I constantly had hungry and whiny kids. I did not know then that kids were grazers that they needed to eat several times a day. When we hoped upon unschooling food choices was one of the first things to go out the window. I had a lot of learning to do and I still bought lots of cracker snacks, pop corn, fruit snacks, chips, produce, nuts, and seeds. As we lifted the restrictions my kids binged and they did not binge on the produce it was the boxed snacks. Why? Because that is what we restricted. We let them eat all the produce they wanted but not the junk snacks we limited those. Well after about two days of mostly fruit snacks, oreos, chips, juice, etc... my oldest came to me at age 5 and says mom my body does not feel so well. I think I need to eat more fruit and vegetables. I then learned about platters from an Unschooling group I joined and started doing meat and cheese platters, fruit and veggies platters and all kinds of different platters. I got really creative with it and they loved it. I made them in the morning and sat them out and they munched all day. I began to notice something remarkable. My kids that were always hungry and whiny were no longer always hungry and whiny and they were so much happier. I also realized that I am the grocery shopper I bring the food into the house. I am also their guide and partner and I need to share with them the importance of listening to our bodies and eating food that our body loves and keeps it healthy. I stopped a lot of the processed items and started getting more produce, meats, cheeses, nuts and seeds. That doesn't mean that they never eat Oreos or chips it means that they eat them less. When they ask for them we buy them every time and they can eat however many they want. We never say no to a request when it comes to food if it is in our budget.

Our children often have dessert with their dinner or candy before dinner and it doesn't spoil their appetite. I have seen first hand a parent tell a child they can't have a cookie before dinner and then when the child is away the parent eat a cookie before dinner. This is not equality. How is that right to say the child can't have one before dinner then the parent eats one. What if the child saw that how would that make the child feel? What message does that send to the child. It sends the message that adults have more power, and that the parent knows whats best for the child. This takes away the childs autonomy. It takes away their ability to listen to their own inner voice and do what feels right for them.  It shows them that they can't trust themselves and that they need to depend on others to make decisions for them. It shows them that they are not capable of making good decisions and they loose their self esteem and self confidence. These are not the messages we want to be sending to our children.

If I were to tell my husband he couldn't a cookie before dinner he would eat one anyway and look at me like I am crazy. So why do we treat children less then us? Why do we treat them with such disrespect and unkindness compared to how we treat our spouse or friend. Our children are no less deserving of respect and kindness then our friends and spouses. We treat our children like we would each other and our friends. If we wouldn't do it or say it to our spouse or friend then we don't say or do it to our children. We don't see them as less then anyone else. We see them as equals.


So the point is is that our children want to do well for themselves. They want to do what feels right for their bodies. It is our responsibility as their parents to give them information, not in a manipulative or scare tactic type of way, but in an honest authentic way where they have the ultimate decision without feeling guilty. Food is an important part of our lives and what we eat shapes how we feel, and think. So we need to share with our children why it is important to give our body foods that make our bodies feel good. And the only way for them to know how to do that is to let them make those choices and learn to read their bodies. They will know if they ate to much candy because their belly will get sick and this is how they will learn to listen as they get older for the sign from their body that it has had enough. It may take a few or a lot of tummy aches for them to get there but they will. A lot of people can't read their bodies. They eat and eat and eat they can't hear their bodies ques because they were never allowed to hear it. They will make mistakes and eat something that made them sick and that is okay that is how they are going to learn to listen to their bodies and do what feels right to them.

My 8 year old has a gluten intolerance, as well as myself. For the longest time she kept getting tummy aches and complaining after eating gluten. I shared with her that maybe we should try going gluten free. She didn't want to because she didn't want to miss out on all the yummy snacks she loves so much. At first my concern and fear go the best of me and I tried to scare her into going gluten free but she pushed against me and I soon realized I had no right to force her to stop eating gluten that it had to be her choice so I apologized and explained why I should let her make the decision and what messages forcing her may send to her, which she thanked me for and backed off and let her make the decision and she continued to eat gluten and suffer. Of course people thought bad things of me but I listened to my own inner voice and trusted my daughter. I trusted that she has her own journey to follow and it is not right for me to judge that or her. That she needed to go through that suffering to get to where she is now. That is was essential for her to get to know herself and learn to trust herself and build confidence in her decisions. Eventually the suffering got so bad she decided on her own she was ready. So we searched for gluten free alternatives to her favorite snacks and I baked more gluten free items that she liked. She began to notice a difference and realized that she did need to be gluten free. I never once tried to coerce, manipulate, or force her to change her diet. It was all her idea. Now we are mostly paleo with a few baked or boxed gluten free items here and there and she is so happy with how she feels now. She isn't clumsy anymore, she talks clearer, she can actually sit still and listen to what someone is saying, she is sleeping through the night, and she stopped wetting the bed. Allowing her to make this decision on her showed her that she can trust herself and have confidence in the choices that she makes. It also helped her inner voice become a little bit clearer. I would taken all that away had I forced her to go gluten free.

If you are struggling with letting go of food choices. Make snack platters that was a life saver for us and I spent less time in the kitchen and less money. They can take what they want and leave what they don't and they get to listen to their bodies and eat as much as they want and what feels good to them. It is also a great way to incorporate new things as well.

I truly believe that children will do well when they can. I believe that if once they are given the information that they need they will do what is right for them. So it is our job as their partner to be honest with them in a non fear based or manipulative way. In order for our children to keep their autonomy they have to be able to make their own choices so they can learn how to read the ques their bodies are giving them. The best gift we can give our children is allowing them to keep their autonomy and authenticity.

Children's Natural Desire to Help.

When people hear about how we do things in our home they often come up and say if my kid didn't have a bed time they would never sleep, or if I let my kid eat what they wanted when they wanted they would only eat junk. I am going to talk about these and share experiences that I have had with my children while usnchooling that prove that these statements are not only wrong but assuming that children do well when they want to. I don't find this to be true I believe children to well when they can. Of course children need and want our guidance they want information about the world around them. But they don't want to be told what to do and how to do it. They want to have the freedom to make their own decision based on the information they have, that is where the statement children do well when they can comes into play. So I am going go through several of these myths over the next few days and share experiences that I have had with my own children that proves them to not only be false but very hurtful to children. Essentially when parents say my child would eat junk food all day every day given the choice you are saying you don't trust them, and you are expecting them to fail according to your expectations. When we place expectations on our children we are setting them up for failure. Because they can't live up to our expectations because what is right for them may not be what is right us. They are a totally different person with different desires, feelings, thoughts, and opinions. They need to be aloud to be true to who they are and be trusted to listen to their own inner guidance system, their intuition, their gut, their soul, their heart whatever you want to call it. Children are taught not to listen to their own guidance system by parents making all the decisions for them, punishing them, coercing them, and shaming them. The when they are adults they are expected to listen to their inner guidance system. How can they, they never learned how. My children know how to listen to their own guidance system and they know how to speak up for what is right for them. They will never have to learn as adults how to do this. They trust themselves and have confidence in their choices.

If I didn't make my child do chores they would never help around the house. 

It is interesting to me that so many parents believe this to be true. Children naturally and authentically love to help. They want to help. It makes them feel good. It makes them feel like a part of something and it helps them learn new things and more about who they are and value. I so often when we are out and about children wanting to help and being told no because the parent is in a hurry or they want to control whatever it is the child is wanting to help with. 

We were at the super market one day and a little girl about four wanted to help put groceries on the belt . The mom would not let her because she wanted it to be in a certain order. The child begged to help and then began to throw a "tantrum" I felt sad for the little girl because all she wanted to do was help put groceries on the belt. The order of the groceries was not that important. Not only did she say no put she popped the girl on the bottom of throwing a "tantrum" then put her treat back because she was being bad. My heart ached for her. My kids were upset and my 8 year old spoke. She does not stand for any kind of injustice. She asked the mom why she couldn't help and the mom said because I wanted it in a certain order so when I get home it is easier to put away. My daughter did not understand this and then asked why. And the mom said I don't like to spend a lot of time putting the groceries away I have other things to do too. Then my daughter says you shouldn't hit it isn't nice. I let her speak up like that because it is important to her to stand up against abuse. And hitting is abuse. It is hurtful and causes life long emotional trauma that takes years to let go of. The mom chose control over her daughters need to help and feel independent and big. The mom chose to leave a scar that will take years to heal and 10 minutes of time putting things away over love and connection with her child. So when her items moved up a little and we could put some on my 8 year old handed her some of our things to put on and that made her smile. The mom was annoyed I could see it but she let her help. My daughter seen the pain in that little girls heart and wanted to help her feel better and meet her need to help out. 

Why did she do this? Because it is how she has been raised sense she was 2. We have allowed our children to help out whenever they ask as much as possible unless it is something that is dangerous or we feel isn't really safe for them to do which is rare. It does take more time to let children help especially when they are younger but it is so very important for us as parents to step back and allow them to because they are learning how to take care of themselves. They are learning the skills they will need when they are adults. It is interesting to me that parents will not allow their younger kids to help because they want it done a certain or don't want to take the time to let them and then force chores when they are older. I have learned with my four children that when we allow them to help when they are young and make enjoyable they will continue to help when they are older and there is no need for chores that are enforced and then followed by rewards or punishments. Children want to help they don't need a reward for helping they just want to do because it feels good, they want to learn something and they want to be with us. 

I have never made my kids do chores but yet they help all the time. My home is very clean and tidy not because I clean all the time but because we all work together to keep it clean. We all do our part. I ask them to do things for me and they have the right to say no just like my husband and I do. If I ask my hubby to take out the garbage and he doesn't feel like it I am not going to turn his movie off and send him to his room for disobeying me. I am going to just leave it there for later or do it myself. We treat everyone in our home equally. We have no more power then our children. We are all in control of ourselves and no one else. We don't rule over our children. They don't see us as authorities or someone to fear they see us as their friend and someone deserving of respect. 

My 9 year old loves to help out around the house and she created her own chore chart where she marks off the day. She did this so she could remember which thing she was going to do on which day. Monday is laundry she washes, drys, and folds laundry. I don't expect her to do all they laundry, actually I don't expect her to do any of it. She does it until her heart is content. Tuesday is dishes which is her favorite, Wednesday is pick up and declutter, Thursday is make the beds, which she leaves love notes on each pillow, and Friday is sweep and mop. She does not have anything for Saturday or Sunday because daddy is home and none of us really clean on those days because that time is spent with sense he is gone working all week. This was her idea, she WANTED to do this. 

                                                     Destinees Chart she made

               Destinee joyfully doing the dishes. She was singing and dancing while doing them

I don't make a big deal out of them helping and I don't make a big deal out of them not helping. I do say thank you and tell them I appreciate their help. And so they are not helping to make me happy or get my approval and love they are helping because it makes them feel good. And feeling good is important to them. 

                                         Kaley helping me make pork chops for dinner.

                                                Cearra vacuuming the couch cushion.

Helping daddy make cinnamon rolls.

                                                 Kaley Shucking Corn

                                                  Destinee Shucking Corn

                                                  Garrett Shucking Corn

Kaley and Garrett cleaning up the back yard.

My children love to help simply because it feels good. They have watched us help others. They have seen us put others above ourselves and help them and in return the universe helped us. They have seen us help those that are homeless by giving them a meal, helped a friend in need, help a lost pet find their owner. Modeling these things for our children teaches them the value of helping others and that our main purpose on this planet is to help others. To give a hand up, to lift others up when they are in need. By taking a step back and allowing our children to help us whenever they ask teaches them that helping feels good and that connection through helping feels good. It teaches them to also take care of themselves and to focus on doing what feels good and right to them. When we don't allow them to help with everyday tasks we are taking that ability away from them. So I would like to say that the statement my kids won't help out around the house if I don't make them do chores is not true. That children naturally and authentically want to help. Humans are tribal, it is in our DNA to help others it is who we are. So why are we not letting our children do what feels so natural to them? Why are we taking away something that is part of who they are? Take the time to let your children help you with day to day tasks, you will be allowing them to be true to who they are. Letting your children be who they are is the best gift you can ever give them.  

Letting Go of the Attachment to my Hair.

I have always had an attachment to my hair. It was a huge part of my life because my dad made a big deal about my hair. Cutting it was unmentionable in my home. I was never allowed to experiment with my hair and that was hard for me. I felt controlled and like I didn't have a say over my own body. I felt like my hair is what made me likable. That what others thought about my hair was important. When I was 8 I let my friend cut my hair and I was punished and told that I don't look pretty anymore that hurt me deeply. I like it and I still felt pretty but why did my dad think less of me because I cut my hair. He has a vision in his mind of what his little girl looked like and he try to control me to match that image. It  stopped me from being who I am. It stopped me from being authentic and real. I had to bury who I was to please him. When I was 12 I shaved all of my hair but a portion on the top that hung down to my butt. This made him very angry and I was shamed and punished for my choice that I made about MY body. I have always cared about what others thought of me. I have always hid who I am to make others comfortable and like me. I did not realize until years later how damaging this was for me. How unhealthy hiding who I really am was. All I ever wanted was to be accepted for who I was not what I looked like or the decisions I made. But growing with a dad that tried to control how I thought, felt, looked, and valued made being me impossible. I rebelled on a constant basis and avoided being home. Home was not a happy place for me growing up it was torture. This taught me not to listen to my inner voice. It taught me that I didn't know what was best for me. It taught me to not trust myself. To always second guess myself.

As I got older my attachment to my hair and what others thought grew stronger and I began to have social phobias. In Highschool speaking in front of class was torture and I even threw up in front of the class. Caring what others thought tortured me I was afraid to be myself. I was afraid if I was myself people wouldn't like me and they would say bad things about me. I was quiet most of the time when around others and didn't talk much until I warmed up and felt safe. I started to get anxiety and suffer from depression.

As I began to realize that I couldn't live this way anymore I started out on journey of inner peace and emptying out my closet. This journey led me down many painful but liberating roads. The struggle was worth it. I then came to a point where I had come face to face with the skeleton of the importance of beautiful and socially acceptable hair. I realized that I needed to do something big overcome this attachment. I had cut my hair several times in the past so just cutting wasn't going to work. I needed to do something bigger. Then it came to me I needed to shave my head. I needed to start over. I needed to grow a new relationship with my hair. I needed to let go of the baggage that came with my hair that was attached to my. I needed to realize that it is just hair and it does not define who I am. And who I am is more important then having hair. I wanted to start over and let go of the attachment to my hair once and for all. So shaving it was the best choice for me.

As I stood in front of the mirror with the clippers in my hand ready to go my heart started to race. I was surrounded by my children as they cheered me on. "Go mom Go". My hand shook as I cut off my long hair. When I was finished and I stood in the mirror looking at myself. I fell in love. I felt free. I felt Empowered. I felt Liberated. I felt Beautiful. It changed my life.

                               My daughter took this photo of me right after I shaved my head.

As my hair began to grow back  I realized that the mere act of shaving my head was not the teacher it the stage of it growing back. The feelings I felt as my hair grew back in triggered things deep within that I didn't even know existed. I had to dig deep and do some soul searching and let some pretty painful things go. At the end of letting go of each one I felt freer and freer. Now I am in a really good spot and I am so glad I shaved my head because it brought me closer to who I am and allowed me to let go of baggage that was holding me back from being ME! I now trust myself after 29 years. I now have confidence in the decisions that I make and can hear my inner voice.

Allowing myself to grow and face the skeletons in my closet has made me a better mom, wife, and friend. It has made me kinder, compassionate, empathetic, gentler, and more loving. It has made me raw, vulnerable and wear my heart on my sleeve. It has made me put myself first, which has allowed me to love others more. It has allowed me to love myself deeper then I have done before. Not just love myself but IN LOVE with myself.

I will never be that mom that controls what her children do to their bodies. It is THEIR body. I will never shame them for making a choice that I may have not agreed with. That is not my job as their mom and partner. My job is to walk side by side with them supporting them and guiding them and encouraging them to be true to who THEY are. To listen to their own inner voice. To do what feels RIGHT to THEM. I want my children to be strong and confident in who they are. I want them to be in full control of their bodies at all times. My children will never have to grow up and undo the damage that being controlled causes. They will never have to learn to trust themselves or gain confidence in who they are as an adult because they will already trust themselves and have confidence in who they are.

The birth of my Son

    As I had traveled farther into attachment parenting and unschooling with my girls I learned more about home birth, self weaning, co sleeping, cloth diapering, and child wearing. I decided that if I were to ever get pregnant again, which we wear not planning on it, I wanted a home birth. Well soon after this thought my desire to have another baby grew bigger and bigger and I just couldn't let it go. I knew that I was meant to have another child. I really wanted to raise a boy. I could feel it so deeply within my core. My husband on the other hand was happy with our three beautiful girls. I was too but the desire was there lurking deep within whispering to me. One more just one more. Soon after this I got sick and went into the hospital at this point they had learned that my IUD had perforated through my Uteris and was wrapped around my large intestine. I also learned around this time I had some form of IBD, which is why I went in in the first place, finding the IUD was not in my plan, but it was in the universes plan. Now that I was not on birth control and didn't want to go on birth control we were using the pull it out method due to my allergy to most condoms. All of a sudden I woke up and felt very ill and so I decided to take  a pregnancy test because it felt like morning sickness. Sure enough it was positive. I was so excited! I couldn't believe it! The Universe worked it's magic, rearranged my life and BAM! Were having a baby. Hubby was excited after the shock wore off. In my heart I knew it was a boy and I had his name picked out already. Garrett Daniel Ferns.

    Now I needed a midwife. Someone that would help me birth my baby at home despite my ordeal with the IUD and our financial situation. I searched and searched and started to get discouraged and then I ran into someone at the store and we got to talking about birth and she gave me the name of a midwife that is very open to payments and birthing women with previous traumas. I called her as soon as I got home and we set up a time to go and meet her. I fell in love with her and her assistant. She said yes to birthing our baby. I was so excited!

    Garretts pregnancy went fabulously well. My colitis symptoms had subsided during the pregnancy and I was able to be pretty active with my girls. My girls were very excited about having another baby in the house. They couldn't wait to hold and snuggle a little baby. We weren't going to find out what we were having because I thought it make having a home birth even more awesome but the baby inside of me had a better idea. It wanted me to know what it was. It was not hard to tell that it was a he. 

     I had spent a lot of time visualizing the birth I wanted. What I wanted the weather to be like, who I wanted to be there, I would just sit and imagine it as if it were happening. Doing thins felt so good and calming to my soul. I talked a lot about the birth I wanted with my children, husband, family and friends. I wanted it to turn out perfect. 

At about 4:00 PM on the fourth of August I thought I had wet my pants but what was weird was every time I moved water trickled down my leg. I called my midwife and she informed me that my water had broke. This is exactly what I wanted to happen I wanted to feel my water break. It was an amazing experience. My midwife came and stayed through out the night as my contractions kept going. At about 4:00 Am I laid down to rest because my contractions has become faint. I then woke and sat straight up at exactly 7:00 AM woke my husband and said honey the baby is coming. Then BAM! A hard contraction hit, then another, and another. Then I felt a pop as he slid into my pelvis. 

The day was exactly as I visualized. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, there was a cool breeze coming through my window, and I was surrounded by family and friends. As the contractions intensified I headed to my room to lay on my bed. The contractions got more intense one after the other and then I felt it the urge to push and it was time. It was time to finally meet my little guy for the first time and hold him in my arms. I pushed three good pushes and he was out. After 4.5 hours of intense natural labor Garrett Daniel Ferns was born at 11:31 AM on August 5th 2010.  He did not cry once and latched on perfectly when he fed for the first time. He weighed in at 7 lbs 8 ozs and was 20.5" long. He was my biggest baby out of the four of them.

All three of my girls watched the whole thing. They have all watched each other be born. It is just something that felt natural to me. Childbirth like sex is natural why hide it. It isn't icky or wrong it is natural. I got mixed reviews about letting my girls watch. I was told that it might traumatize them. I didn't understand this How would something so beautiful and natural traumatize them? This just doesn't make sense to me. Not once did they say ewww or gross. They were totally fascinated with it all and wanted to be a part of it. They wanted to see everything and help as much as possible. They cheered me on as I pushed out their baby brother. It made that day that much better.

I couldn't believe I did it! I couldn't! I was so in love with myself in that moment. I just did the most amazing thing in the world I gave birth to a baby naturally. It was a joyous day one that I will never forget. If I had the chance to do it all over again I would do it in a heartbeat.